Tuesday, 28 May 2024
------------------------

Hello. All is well. Returning to the psychology book, in chapter seven, we learn about cognition and language.

Cognition is the brain making sense. Thinking, feeling, experiencing. We use concepts to make sense of how senses come together and relate. We've talked about this before. Prototype is the default thing that comes to mind. It can change depending on the function instantiated from. The book differentiates between natural and artificial concepts. Natural concepts are concepts you naturally learn by interacting with the world. Artificial concepts are abstractions like geometric shapes. Schema is a collection of concepts. The book mentions role schema, basically stereotypes, and event schema, like making your bed. The more intuitive these concepts come to you, the more efficient you can make sense, and the trade-off is that you may be less adaptable. I think?

Language is very cool. I forgot a lot of the stuff from the linguistics book, but linguistics is very interesting. Looking back, etymology and semantics interested me the most. The book mentions phonemes. The sounds we use. Phonology is the study of this. Morphemes. The smallest meaningful units of words. This study is morphology. Semantics is meaning and syntax is organization.

Language development. How does the brain do it? If a computer can develop language in the same manner we do, I'll be interested. That would be cool. The book mentions linguistic determinism. The idea that our language influences our way of thinking and perception. That's really interesting to think about. I grew up in Sweden but my family is originally from Denmark. We would talk Danish at home.

I didn't have a speech delay. If I ever cared to be diagnosed with autism, I'd probably be considered to have level 1 or ass burgers, but I don't really want to be diagnosed, I think. I'm still very conflicted about this matter. I believe that not bothering with trying to be normal has been a relief. Not in the sense I won't try to be prosocial, but it's really tricky. Trying too hard to be normal is not healthy for me, I believe. One reason my empathy is heightened could be my attempt to fit in?

I've been trying to observe myself in social situations, and it seems a lot of my anxiety stems from being misunderstood. I noticed I constantly try to predict what others think I'm thinking and work from there. Also, how others will interpret my expressions. I believe this has helped me a lot in life, but I'd prefer not to, as I disassociate from myself and never truly connect with anyone. If the purpose is to connect and bond, it's a disservice, but I think it's useful for more superficial interactions. The reality is we must find a balance for prosocial interactions in public. It's similar to how we should wear appropriate clothing. It's tricky. I'm very privileged to be in a position where I'm mostly free from having to interact with anyone. Failing to be normal has been a significant contributor to bad thoughts. It's kind of like what I talked about with perfectionism. I should lower my concern. To work with reality rather than fight with it.

Another tricky thing is that it's not like a past trauma thing. I probably have a too high concern, but it's still appropriate to have a level of concern. If I don't control my ADHD, I will become antisocial. It's really annoying. I feel like it's my nature to be a bad person. How can I form long-term relationships when it is so? Stimulant medication helps tremendously, but only when it's active. I seem to empathize with people to an extreme degree. It hurts me tremendously when others are hurt, especially due to my behavior, as I'll feel guilty too. If I don't control myself, I think I easily seek unhealthy attention. I think I'm good at seeing people's vulnerabilities, and using that information to get a reaction is cruel. I don't ever really do that, but the few times I've done it, it's devastating for me. But also, in general, I feel I have wronged a lot of people. Also, because I'm very direct or naturally communicate in another way, I can make people uncomfortable if I don't filter myself. An analogy is like when you're desensitized to a sensitive topic. But I still think I have a lot to understand on this matter. I feel like, yes, on some levels, my empathy and ability to understand other people is good, but at the same time, it's not? I feel evil because I don't seem to care about people in the same way others do. I have very strong feelings for people, but they are not for specific people. I really love everyone and want everyone to be well. It's really important for me when someone is in my physical presence. I'm not sure why this is. If someone around me isn't well, I'm not well. This is limiting in many aspects.

I have a terrible habit. It's saying something that sounds genuine, but I'm just messing with them. It isn't nice. My brother used to do this with me, so I'll partially blame him. If I find myself doing this, I stop myself as quickly as possible and clarify that I was joking. I feel like it's because a lot feels like pretending. Have I gotten good at pretending? It's funny to mess with people, but is it healthy? No. I've been confused how easily people accept what you say, but I realize this is somewhat healthy behavior to do, trusting what people say. I'm not doing anything profound. I'm essentially just abusing someone's trust. You see what I'm dealing with here? I don't want to hurt people, but I have a lot of toxic traits. An explanation could be that I fear intimacy, so I distance myself by ingenuity. It's very instinctive. Hence, I feel this writing is my best way of being authentic at the moment.

I'm not sure exactly why I fear intimacy. I feel it's a legitimate concern though, not just a maladaptation. It's wise for me to be very cautious of intimacy, and I'm very resilient on my own, so it's not something I feel is critical to have. In a way, I have intimacy with everyone through this writing.

Anyway, back to language. I feel like English came to me naturally. I didn't learn English in school. I learned it on the internet at an early age. So, I know Danish, Swedish, and English. Aber ich spreche auch Deutsch. Not really. I struggled to learn German, but I think that's because I learned through a school setting where my survival mode, heightened activation of the sympathetic nervous system, blocked learning (I'm trying to implement the stuff I read, sorry, hehe). I also think my time in school has cooked my brain a bit, heh. Also, a little dose of inattention didn't help.

I can't emphasize enough how much stimulant medication changed my life. For better or worse, I don't know. Well, I think for the better. Before medication, it was impossible for me to learn programming. I think that's also one reason I neglected everything after starting medication. Holy moly, I can actually do stuff now. I don't have to be a parasite to get by? It felt like I was so far behind what I was capable of, so I went a bit overboard, perhaps. Like I wrote before, I gained the power of focused attention, which I didn't know how to use responsibly.

On the other hand, stimulant medication has changed nothing. I'm not cured. I still experience most of the dysfunction of ADHD. I really can't understand how anyone with this, at least what I have, could function in society. If not for my luck, I'd be homeless, in prison, or dead. I'm very serious when I say that. I'm doing exceptionally well, and I have nearly no obligations or responsibilities, yet I struggle to get by. I think the main reason for me getting by has been my resilience, but I think as I get older, I can't rely on it as much. I don't know.

Also, I don't identify as having ADHD. It's just so we can make shared sense. This is one of the things that annoy me when socializing. I guess I'm a bit tired of trying to be the one to facilitate prosocial communication. To be the reasonable one. It feels like a lot of people make no effort. Maybe I should just let people think or assume what they'd like if it isn't dangerous to do so. I guess I just have an extreme frustration with always feeling misunderstood. Especially when it comes to people thinking I just want to be different. It's hard for me to express how difficult it's been to accept I'm different to a level where I'll experience a lot of dysfunction. I guess it was a bit soul crushing to hear that I simply wanted to be different when I've been fighting myself for most of my life not to be different. I'm not saying I expect or feel entitled to any other response. I'm just expressing how it felt.

It's interesting to consider one's ability to question one's perception. I know I have a lot of misguided beliefs. I can acknowledge that. I can acknowledge when I'm wrong. At least when I know. Isn't it scary to think you could be in a delusion without knowing? Intellectually, I want to be appropriately and fairly punished for wrongdoings. I want to be accountable. I don't want to make excuses. I try to be competent to the best of my ability, but it's tiring when it often feels like it's not reciprocal. Even so, I'll still try my best to be competent. We're just dealing with what is. You can't fight reality. You must work with it. Otherwise, you're going to have a bad time. But working with reality also means stopping sometimes. You don't have endless energy. It's not competent to think so. It may lead one to behave more incompetently in the long run.

Especially in this writing, I try my best to be sincere. Regarding that, I'd like to explain what I think about romantic love. I realize I've mostly expressed my toxic thoughts about it, and I think one may get the wrong picture of what I think about it. As someone who struggles to form feelings for others, especially romantic ones, I still believe romantic love is the most real and meaningful experience a human being can have. Just because I don't find it practical for myself doesn't mean I can't acknowledge it's a beautiful thing when people fall in love together. I'd say I mostly find the obsession part pathetic, but I understand it, I think. I don't understand why people want something that isn't meant to be or doesn't work. But also the inability to regulate oneself. It feels childlike. But I guess that's the emotional attachment or something that hurts. I think it's easy to say that when you don't attach in the same way to people?

I think I'm a very emotional and sensitive person. Unfortunately too much. Which is why I prefer a distant and cold approach to others. It's simply the only way I can function in practice. I don't feel jealousy. I'm filled with joy when I see a couple. How could I not? How could I have resentment for something so beautiful as romantic love? I may come across as cold and distant. I just don't want you to misinterpret that. I'm mostly saying this to myself because I imagine people will think I have anger or resentment if I don't continue masking happy expressions. I'm still happy inside. I know people don't pay that much attention to me. As I said, I'm mainly saying this to accept it'll be all right, even if I'm misunderstood.

I guess I'm also a bit afraid of being labeled an incel with all of its negative connotations. I don't really mind if one views me as one as long as you don't think I want you any harm or suffering. I'm very weird when it comes to being a human, but I'm filled with genuine love, even if I can't properly express it. That's also the main reason I'm afraid to say I'm a virgin at my age, as people may assume I then share beliefs associated with incel culture. I understand why people may be ashamed of being a virgin. It can feel as if you're not a man, and I guess it makes sense to question why one is a virgin. At least, that's what I gather? As I said, I'm pretty weird about this. It's not something I feel I can relate to because I don't think about the social aspects unless I feel there is an important practical reason for it. I also don't find it that interesting. I'm a bit selfish here, perhaps. As I've said, my conflict about this has been not having children. I feel like that is a valid criticism. But I'm immature. I find physical intimacy gross. Yes, I'm still at that level. I don't find it gross intellectually. I'm not stupid. It's not normal or competent to find it gross, of course. Again, I can acknowledge that. I also know my mind is still confused and conflicted. I guess writing this gives me a sense of relief that I have at least expressed how I feel somewhere.