Monday, 27 May 2024 ------------------------ Hello. All is well. What am I supposed to do with this life I've been given? Should one live in observation or live a story? I think it's difficult to embrace a coherent story today. Is earth boring? It's all rather lame. It's all complex and specialized. Information technology is dull. I hate computers. Lame. It's stupid. Am I romanticizing a past? I think knowledge needs a story or narrative to have meaning on a human level. Stories today are sterile and dead, or is my perspective limited? I want a good story. That's what the human in me wants. If I am a human, which I assume I am, I must accept its need for a story. But how? I want it to be natural, not artificial. I can't pretend. I want it to feel genuine. War today is lame. Technology killed the glory. It's lame. War in itself is lame. Humans beat everything else to death on this planet. It feels like human war is a looping story. It doesn't bring forward our story in this reality. Are we stuck? What about building something? I hate capitalism. What a lame story. There's no charm. It limits innovation in physical reality. Peter Thiel and his goddamn value capturing. Shake my head. Fuck capitalism. We know the game too well. It doesn't work anymore. We're stuck fucking ourselves and this planet. What about politics. Democracy is stupid. I hate it. Uh. Okay. The story is an illusion. False. We just end up with cancer. What about exploration? Science? Space? A lot of science is lame. I don't know, actually. I just don't think it's for me if I'm realistic with who I am. I think it's clouded by too many stupid people already producing useless complexity? Not sure. Why should society pay upkeep for one more? I feel it all goes back to capitalism and democracy. That's the overall story you have to embrace to live today. What if I can't adopt it? What do I do? Just explore reality on my own? Just say fuck society or be pragmatic and work with it miserably? My perception and knowledge are probably just what is limiting me. Everything I write here is just my little brain saying what's on its mind. It feels like we're maximizing the social aspect for its own sake. Damn it. Perhaps that's just unfortunate if you're a weirdo who doesn't understand it. I like our social function, but I want it to involve a story that I feel is meaningful. It's so fucking lame. What the fuck. I don't just want to be happy, have friends, a family, a comfortable life or whatever. Nor do I want to be a pathetic fuck just seeking meaningless social power or some crap. Life is so incredible yet so fucking lame at the same time. What's the point of meaningless contentment? I don't just want to be a bald monk with equanimity. I'm a fucking human. I want to live. I want to feel. Fuck your equanimity. I want to suffer. Jeez. I want to be caught in a storm, not in control, seeking something greater in whatever story or narrative I'm fully captured by. Effective altruism is probably the most brain-dead story to have been made. Anti-human. Idealistic fantasy. Or maybe it's me seeking a fantasy? I'm not sure. I am a bit of a weirdo, ain't I? I know I'm ranting and babbling, but it's my human nature screaming at my pseudo-intellectual nature. I'm unsure I can continue suppressing my feelings, but I'll try to be constructive and pragmatic. I'm not hurting anyone here. Just stop reading if it's bothering you. If someone can control and suppress themselves, it's me. Stop applying whatever pathetic feelings you read in what I'm writing. You don't understand me. Most likely, you're brain-dead. But you're not. You're so beautiful and unique. I love all humans. Why is my mind so conflicted. Why have I been taught to find my own experience so important? Why can't I be a human? Live and die. Nothing more. I hate being sold an illusion. It's not true my own life is important. It's only meaningful in a larger story. I'm not the main character. I want to be part of something greater, but everything is so fucking stupid today. Fuck your self-realization. I want to be a brick in a wall. But a great wall, not a rotten wall. I want nothing more. I don't want meaningless comfort. It's more painful than meaningful suffering. Fuck your delusions of self-grandiosity. Time for a walk buddy. Okay.