Sunday, 26 May 2024
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Hello. All is well. I woke up at 4:30 AM today. It's now 6 AM. I have cleaned my flat and started the washing machine. After drinking some water, taking an electrolyte pill, and eating some food, I feel okay. I feel slightly tired but functional. I have not taken stimulant medication or coffee today, and I think it's wise not to do so for the rest of the day.

My brother is visiting me this weekend. It has been enjoyable. Yesterday, I woke up at 3 AM, while he woke up at 8 AM. We walked at least 25 kilometres in hilly terrain. After walking, we ate dinner at a restaurant at 18:30.

I want to make it clear that it was my suggestion to have wine. I was the one to suggest more bottles. I take full responsibility. I was still curious about intoxication.

I knew when I had had enough (I think) as I felt I was losing connection to my body. Yet if I focused, clarity returned. I think I spent at least an hour passionately explaining financial investments. Yeah, there wasn't really anything that exciting. I mainly disliked it. I prefer talking with complete clarity. My ADHD feels like constant intoxication anyway.

When I got home, I started vomiting for over an hour. There was vomit everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, myself included. I was experiencing this with a lot of clarity, and I don't think I've ever felt that sick. I felt my body was fighting for its life. At its peak, lying on the floor in my own vomit, I thought I was losing the battle. I called emergency services.

When two medics arrived an hour later at 23:21, I felt terribly guilty. I wasn't doing well, but I knew I would survive at this point. I've never felt more pathetic, but the medics' pragmatic language and process made a big impression. I was in the hands of competent people, which gave me great relief. It's a feeling I cherished.

I hadn't had alcohol for ~2 years since I had an equal experience, but not as bad as this time. Intellectually and emotionally, I don't think I will ever touch alcohol again. For me, there's nothing interesting to find in a state of intoxication. Just a lot of health complications.

I remember it all quite vividly. My memory is fully intact. The medics said I would experience a severe headache in the morning, but I feel nothing right now except I haven't had enough sleep. This is similar to my previous experiences.

The medics did a mental capacity assessment. I was given a copy of the paperwork. Can the patient understand the information relevant to the decision? Yes. Can the patient retain information? Yes. Can the patient use or weigh that information as part of the process of making the decision? Yes. Can the patient communicate their decision? Yes.

I was concerned that I saw myself as functioning but that I really wasn't. This supports my claim that I don't feel my thinking is significantly impacted. I feel miserable and feel a loss of connection or delay to my body and reality. Perhaps my body is overly protective against alcohol. I don't know or really care. I need to stop being curious about foolish things. Sigh.