Friday, 24 May 2024
------------------------

Hello. All is well. Perfectionism is defined as a personality trait with positive and negative aspects. It's considered maladaptive if the level of perfection one strives for is unattainable or unrealistic. One is fighting with reality. Why? We may acknowledge it's irrational, yet it's difficult to accept it emotionally. It's painful. It doesn't feel right. I question what's the point if it feels wrong? It seems we're highly driven by what we feel. We're back to my initial thoughts in the first entry.

If we experience life as a human then we must work with life as a human. If humans are driven by feelings, then we must accept that our feelings must be considered seriously as they'll ultimately determine our behavior.

This is why I don't understand idealistic morality or beliefs. In practice, it doesn't matter what logic you use to define some idealistic morality or beliefs if it fails to consider the properties and mechanics of the agent, in this case, a human.

Furthermore, we, humans, are the makers of the logic. If humans are driven by feelings, how can one be sure our logic is not fundamentally based on feelings? We experience sense with values or feelings attached to it.

How else can we make sense? Attaching affective feelings to relatively simple senses to guide basic functions. Constructing emotional concepts, combinations of senses, to guide more complex functions. Our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness.

Anyway, perfectionism. I read there's an idea of perfectionistic striving and perfectionistic concern, the latter being the negative aspect of perfectionism. I guess that makes sense. Healthily, one can strive for perfection if one can still accept imperfection. You're working with reality.

The level of concern should be tuned to maximize the agency or outcome one wishes to achieve. Erm. What are you smoking?

My concern for perfection is mistuned. Let's see. Huh. This is interesting. I'm thinking. It seems like my concern for perfection is not from a social concern? When I focus on the external, detaching myself from my work, I do better work in the eyes of others. When I focus on the internal, attaching myself to my work, I do worse in the eyes of others, but what do I think? The most clear example is my time with Minecraft servers. When people loved my work, I personally hated it. When I loved my work, others hated it. I understand what people want, yet I don't personally care about it. It's the same story in school. My perfection stemmed from what I thought was the right way. I do it my way. But why is my way so odd? I seem to have an obsession with simplicity. Perhaps my brain needs simplicity to function? I easily get overwhelmed. I think the frustration was trying to find a balance, which led to destructive behaviour, perhaps?

I find this interesting because I read that perfection is a concern of social rejection, which makes no sense in my case. I don't give a damn about anyone's approval. At least, I think so? I won't conclude anything.

My brain wasn't built for this society. Of course, I'm going to go fucking insane trying to fit in. I'm built different. Literally.

I don't see my parents as controlling or having expectations. Simply somewhat confused and incompetent. I've seen most authority figures in my life as incompetent, but I'm not stupid, so I play along as best I can until I'm in a position where I don't have to. Or a better phrasing would be that I had the privilege of the capacity to play along and build my path to get the fuck out of the asylum. I pray for those stuck in it.

I ain't fucking stupid. Y'all are fucking stupid. Incompetent fucks. So fucking obsessed with yourself. I feel gross having participated in your pathetic behavior. That's just my perspective. I still love people for some reason. I want society to thrive and flourish. I want you to be well and happy but fuck you.