Thursday, 23 May 2024 ------------------------ Hello. All is well. Today, I'd like to talk about an idea that has genuinely helped me get through life smoothly as a sensitive person. Don't fight reality; work with it. It's that simple. Wow, how profound. One may sarcastically say. It's true. It's a basic idea, but in practice, one either doesn't understand its value or finds it too painful to accept. How this idea is implemented in practice is not absolute but relative to the context. One can also misinterpret what I mean by this idea, so I'll try to give the idea more depth and provide some examples. Maximize your agency. Put as much responsibility as possible on yourself. Don't expect anyone to save you. I realize this may come across as toxic. Perhaps I'm simply rationalizing my avoidant attachment, but hey, I've gotten pretty far. Survivorship bias? Maybe. Regardless, it can give insight to how I think and perceive the world so we can better scrutinize it. Most potential fighting involves social reality. We don't argue with gravity. We accept it and work with it. Body and brain issues can be harder to accept and work with, but I'm not interested in writing about that. Am I special? Here we go. I knew you were a narcissist. I'm trying to think about what social aspects I care about. I think my deepest desire has been to be normal. To be accepted and functional in social settings. How much of this desire comes from what I've been told and the environments I've had to function in? If my goal is to be normal and social, then I've failed miserably. It seems I minimize social interaction as much as possible. I don't feel alone, but is that because I don't know what I feel? People talk about wanting a romantic relationship, but it seems to never cross my mind unless I am confronted with it. I don't really know how it even works, haha. It sounds burdensome. My main conflict is that I feel guilty for not having children. But would I be a good parent? Perhaps I can contribute to society in a better way? If you think it's silly that I care about contributing to society, then you're incompetent. I have positive feelings when I'm social, but it's easily overstimulating. I think it really comes down to my sensitivity and slowness, which complicate things. I hear people crave physical contact. I don't unless I don't know what I feel. Perhaps I fear intimacy. I feel it's too overwhelming and I don't really care that much about it. I feel like I don't have a good perceptual model of the world. I was thinking this is where autism comes into play. It's like it's hard for me to attach to something. I feel you need that to some extent to function in a society. When I observe others, their interactions feel smooth and fluid. Like how do they do it? Also, in general, it seems like there's some script that I'm not familiar with? Like, what on earth is a job? Why would one get a job? I remember seeing a homeless person as a kid, and I thought, oh, that's me in the future. Like I understand things intellectually but it's like I'm playing pretend? Like what the heck. Why do I not just embrace whatever we're role playing. How do you talk with people? People say hello, how are you or something like that. What. Do I say thank you? Do I ask them? Do I say good even if I don't feel good? Wouldn't that be dishonest? Like, I know the scripts somewhat, but it feels odd. How much eye contact? Do I keep staring or look away for a bit now. Where am I? It's always like I'm doing it for the first time. Sort of. It's more complicated than this. I love presenting. I love public speaking. Not that I'm good at it, but I'm more comfortable on a scene than in causal group talk. Well as long as I don't have to shout. I'm not a barbarian. I guess I like this because it feels okay to be performant. It feels uneasy to be that when it's casual. But I guess you're supposed to have a script in casual settings? It feels strange, though. I feel like the script comes naturally to people, so it doesn't feel like a script to them. They ask what my job or work is. What do you do kid, huh?! I say I'm unemployed, and people look sorry for me or something. Yes, I know I make myself look pathetic when I say that. But like. Should I say I'm a capitalist or some bullcrap? That sounds equally pathetic and brings yucky energy. Likewise, being discrete about it means either being deceptive or indirectly acknowledging something. I like it when people see me as inferior because they're more themselves and honest, but I also don't like it, I think. I guess my time running Minecraft servers has made me really dislike titles and how differently some act depending on social status in a given context. I know I can be pragmatic about this and simply think of where I meet people but yeah I'm just writing my casual anecdotal experiences. I haven't really thought about meeting people since my enlightenment of being a weirdo. I don't feel a strong pull, it's more like, that could be a thing. But people talk to you and stuff if I don't look too insane in the moment. I'm not trying to say anything. I'm just giving my feelings some space to babble and maybe learn something. What am I supposed to wear? I just wear the same clothes. What haircut am I supposed to have? I just cut it short or forget about it. Am I supposed to look at someone and copy them? Why do people follow celebrities, musicians, idols, or whatever? It seems I'm missing something here? I like entertainment and listening to some people, but I don't really care who they are or what they do. Am I supposed to idolize someone or look up to someone? Is there some social thing here I'm missing? Help! Ahhh. What am I supposed to eat? I tried cooking, but ugh. Like it's fun, but if I have to cook, it has to become my main thing, you know. I mainly just eat unflavored powder food. I'm not a picky eater or anything. I just don't care that much about eating. I either eat for pure function or pure enjoyment. For me, it's like taking drugs. I haven't taken drugs, well, except stimulant medication, but like eating is a social thing. I don't care what we eat, but I like the social part. So if I'm eating alone, I only care about its function as nutrition. What music am I supposed to listen to? I listen to whatever evokes some feeling, either low or high arousal, depending on the situation. I noticed a lot of songs is about love and it's sort of been pissing me off. Like this love thing must be really significant to them but it sounds really pathetic. I'm toxic here. Like I'm emotionally on board with kindness, and people are beautiful, but I don't understand all this heartbreak and obsession with someone shenanigans. What am I supposed to be? It seems you're supposeded to have an identity. My identity is that I'm a human. That's a good start, I guess. Um. I like to walk. I just walk. It's nice. I'm a walker. Uh. That sounds creepy. I think I'm a bit of a snob. Perhaps I'm a bit toxic here. I don't know. I do think I'm quite judgmental, and at the same time, I'm not. In the end, I care more about what and how a person thinks. I hear people like people with a strong identity or that you need that to form a relationship, but I kind of like people who don't have a strong identity, who just exist and don't have any strong convictions. That's ideal for me. I don't find that boring, I think? I have some bad convictions, at least perceptually on an emotional level, that I'm trying to unlearn. I see people with a strong sense of self or convictions off-putting. Like they seem full of themselves and limited. Ugh. Suffering. Anyway, I don't like dogs. I have this feeling that you're weak if you have pets. You're so pathetic you can't talk to people that you need a pet for company? I don't agree with this intellectually. I know it's me being incompetent. But I also don't understand why you want a pet? (I do, but like I'm just writing my toxic feelings. So, like, yes, we agree I'm silly here). They can't speak language with abstract concepts. So it's for some comfort on a more primitive level. I'd rather be alone. I dislike comfort for its own sake. It's usually just poor regulation. Well, that's why people have pets. It's simply regulation. But is it ideal for society? I don't know. I'm not an animal lover. I think human lives are more valuable than other animal lives. I don't avoid eating meat because I have some emotional attachment to animals, I just worry it causes conflict in our minds that will impact how we shape society into a functioning system morally. Now, I realize it's easier for some to ignore conflicting ideas, but it isn't for me. I can't lie to myself. It's tough, and it's not a pleasant experience when I do. Also, it usually comes down to privilege for how moral one can be. Like it's dysfunctional to go against society if you can't afford it. Morals come down to how advanced a society is. I'll start killing people if I have to. Uhh. Excuse me? It's very empathetic for me to say that. Yes. I can only be bothered playing pretend if it's important in the context. I'm not morally above anyone inherently. Does that mean I'm lenient on moral failings? No, that doesn't make sense. We're just dealing with what is. Nothing more. It's the same with free will. If we use language practically, we can say people have free will as we're simply talking about the human as its physical thingy. If someone is messed up, they're messed up. We attach something special to humans. You know it's more simple when we talk about something non-human. People are more pragmatic with that, except they underestimate moral considerations for that. So yeah, humans are scary. At this moment, I'm more open to anything. This is prime time to introduce me to extremist ideas (joke). Okay, so I think I like minds. I like talking, but I also like listening. I don't really care who you are. I just care about what you say or create. Yeah. I'm a human. I like walking. I like discussing. Yet there is also a physical aspect to it, I assume, which stems from me being a human. That's true. I think I'd prefer talking to a human unless the other thing is more interesting to talk to. Not sure. I think we underestimate how incredible the human brain is. I don't know anything about artificial intelligence, but it's my humble opinion that it doesn't even come close to the beauty of human brains, and I don't think it will in my lifetime. If it does, that would be cool. I guess story is important to me on some level. I guess I like learning stuff. Nothing particular, I think. Hmm. The context matters, though. I can accept any knowledge as long as I feel it's put in a valid context. The basic idea is that absolute knowledge doesn't exist, and I'll really find a person off-putting if they have strong absolute convictions. I hear and read that confidence is attractive. I find it to be the opposite. I'm repelled by confidence. Yuck. So uh. That could be something causing dysfunction for me socially. It actually pisses me off. Why the heck do you find confidence so attractive? I guess confidence can be many things. It's a strategy. But I find it a primitive survival strategy. I feel like it doesn't belong in a more advanced society. It's a limitation. Don't be confident, but don't be pathetic either. Maybe I'm misusing the word. Uh. Chicken nuggets. I don't know why. But I have a strong urge to say chicken nuggets sometimes. It's annoying when you're having a serious conversation, and half your attention is spent restraining yourself from blurting out chicken nuggets. Okay, I think we've uncovered enough troubling details for one day.