Wednesday, 22 May 2024 ------------------------ Hello. All is well. Today, I'd like to write about experiencing other people's feelings. From what I understand, sympathy is when you don't experience a person's feelings but can recognize and feel sorry for them. Meanwhile, empathy is when you experience a person's feelings. You feel the inferred emotional state of the person. Generally, we use sympathy for less intimate relationships and empathy for more intimate relationships. I believe I'm very sensitive to feeling, meaning stimuli trigger higher aroused feelings in me. My environment affects me to a greater extent than average. A separating line between me and my surroundings is practically nonexistent. As I wrote in an earlier entry, one of my main challenges in interacting with others as a child was to prevent myself from crying. The slightest comment would make me cry. I found it embarrassing and impractical. Physical pain did not trigger an emotional response. I'd say my emotional response to physical pain was and is less than average. I think my complex emotions are primarily associated with people in some way. Physical pain can be an overbearing affective feeling, but it doesn't trigger a more complex emotion unless it involves people. If I stub my toe, I'll be overwhelmed by affective pain in the moment. It can turn into anger if I need to attend to people. If someone shows distress or worry when I get hurt, I become angry, as if it wasn't enough to bear the physical pain, I now have to also feel the inferred mental pain of the person. That's at least my rationalization for why I feel anger when someone tries to comfort me. I do know I do not like to be seen as weak or pathetic, which could be because I see myself as that due to my sensitivity. I think it's a bit of a mix, perhaps. Trauma is a heavy word for many. For me, it's a word that describes experiences in our past that cause changes or adaptations in us that may serve our survival short-term but become a disservice long-term. We adapt to a rare environment, so when we return to a more common environment, the adaptation becomes maladaptive, becoming a disservice. From what I've gathered, a lot of mental illnesses can be trauma in disguise. It's not that there's something pathologically wrong with us. We've simply had a maladaptation that manifests as a pathology. This adds another element to consider when trying to make sense of ourselves. Did the chicken or the egg come first? I find it practical for me to assume that, innately, I have clinical ADHD and a heightened sensitivity to the environment. My ADHD causes anti-social behavior, resulting in rejection, which is strongly felt due to sensitivity. I also think my sensitivity or empathy is not itself a traumatic response. Before my rejection in childhood, I remember being uncomfortable with my friend talking negatively about other peers. I felt bad for them on an emotional, affective level even without having an attachment to the discussed peer. Earlier than that, in kindergarten, I didn't have that level of empathy yet though, but I assume I hadn't fully developed it yet at that age. At that time, my heightened sensitivity was mostly felt for my own personal experience. What could be a maladaptation is distancing my emotions from my own experience. It's tricky for many reasons. I mostly feel what my surroundings feel. Emotionally, I'm a slave to others. I also think the feelings inferred from other people are sometimes stronger than the feelings they actually feel. It's dysfunctional. I thought I was a people pleaser, but I've realized I'm not. My survival and my morals have always come first. If someone treats me poorly or someone else, I find it easier not to be friendly or pleasant. I can be confrontational. I think my issue has been that I assumed people functioned like me. It's hard for me to make someone an enemy perceptually. I'm familiar with the feeling of hate, but I'd say it's rare. I can feel people have wronged me, but I mostly just want to hug them if it wasn't because I felt it was overstimulating, inappropriate, embarrassing, or I feared being taken advantage of. Do I infer others' mental states accurately? As in truly knowing what they feel and think in the moment. I can't remember anyone accurately inferring my mental state, including psychiatrists and psychologists. Being misunderstood has been a great source of frustration. If others poorly understand me, it makes me skeptical to believe I'm any better the other way around. Yet I seem to be able to get the response I want many times, usually prosocial cooperation, whatever I interpret that to be. I think it makes sense others can't understand what I feel because I don't use them for my behavior. I adopt what I find practical. I don't know myself, so how could they? It seems I can't keep this up anymore. I'm tired of being around people. I guess the main question I'm pondering now is whether it's worth trying to connect with people. I seem to be able to be content alone. The main danger of being alone is that if you become dysregulated, you don't have external help to regulate, meaning you can more easily spiral. I think it requires understanding oneself more and building systems to prevent spiralling. I said I was tired of being around people, which may not accurately describe what I feel. I'm going to try to write more emotionally. Understand this is not meant to be practical language. The slightest negative emotion I infer from people impacts me. Just going outside, I find myself concerned about everyone, having to be cold and ignore everyone as best I can to reduce it. I feel like I'm going insane. I can't stop thinking about those around me. I don't know what to do. I'm overwhelmed simply processing while I come across as a cold-blooded serial killer. I isolate myself to avoid losing my sanity. I hate my life. That's what my feelings are, but I disagree. I find myself saying that out loud without consciously processing it. I'm losing control. I have no idea who I am. I don't care about anything. I don't trust anyone. I'm tired of suffering, suffering, suffering, suffering, suffering, suffering. Okay, I think you made your point. This is why I stay in my apathetic state, where I'm content. Reconnecting to my emotions, I believe, is possible, but there's probably some work to do. When you interact with me, I can seem fine, but this part of me has been breaking down, which is why I isolate myself. I think I can scare you if my practical mind breaks down as it protects you from my negativity, which is unhealthy for anyone and should be dealt with in a professional setting. Even with that, I have to be careful. They are people too, and I naturally start focusing on them. Majority of them, at least the ones I've seen, I sense they have personal issues affecting me, so I also need to look into what path of treatment is productive. A wrong step seems to cause a lot of damage, hence, I'm hesitant. Everything is okay. I'm just taking some rest. I can't productively deal with it without resting first.