Sunday, 5 May 2024
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Hello. All is well. I've seemingly lost interest in writing. It's a familiar thing.

I may have to shuffle my reading more. I've been trying to finish books linearly, but in the end, it may cause me to not bother at all. As my brain loses interest, it starts wiping the memory of my writing.

I'm not sad, just tired. Will I ever find contentment? It's funny. I thought this time was different. I may be able to salvage it; we'll see. 

It's clear to me that I must not forget this is how my brain operates. I can think of two things I've been consistent with: formal education and making money. They were both motivated by survival, nothing else. When they were no longer urgent for my survival, I quit.

It seems that I'm not motivated by much else. It'd be easier if I had a casual social motivation, but I just don't unless it's tied to survival. 

What now. I don't care about making friends or having fun. I am a creature of survival, nothing more. I don't know if I've always been like this. I know it started when I was young. It feels pointless to do fun things. I remember loving skiing, but at some point, I started declining because I wanted to focus on making money for independence. I think this was around age 13. Have I lost the ability to enjoy? Enjoy what exactly? It doesn't feel significant. What's the point? Then again, what's the point of survival? I'm not sure. It just feels more real and meaningful.

I used to enjoy video games, too, but I quit around the age of 13. Around this time, I discovered that you could make money by running Minecraft servers. 

I think my desire to make money wasn't solely a need for independence but also to prove myself, at least initially. I don't really have anyone I care to impress. Today, the state rules over me primarily. Even with that, I can quickly move, which I have. But I pay taxes, spend money locally, abide by the law, and avoid using public services.

Clearly, something in me is causing a lot of dysfunction in my practical life. I used to relate to many symptoms of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). It's not OCD, that's another thing. Interestingly, you don't find it an issue yourself. That's how I feel. I only know from experience it may be something holding me back in life. I think it's more relaxed now but still relevant.

One diagnostic criterion is an unwillingness to throw out worthless items. This one does not apply to me. I'm quite the opposite. I throw out or give away any item I don't need.

Am I preoccupied with details, rules, schedules, organization, and lists? I'm less than I used to be I think. I do have a lot of lists. I have list of my physical possessions. I'm not sure that's typical. I'd say this stems from some sort of anxiety. 

Do I strive for perfection, causing an inability to complete work? I've gotten better at this. I deliberately set up the conditions of my writing to prevent this. I can't begin to explain how much time I've wasted on perfection. That's why I'm not too fond of creative endeavours. It has no right way. A funny example is when I was building maps for my Minecraft server. Most of the time, I let others do it. One time, I spent hours trying to place grass and flower decorations perfectly. In the end, I used an algorithm to place it. I thought that was the only way to reach perfection. The only way I've overcome this need for perfection is to detach myself from work, seeing it only as a means to make money, nothing more.

Do I have an excessive devotion to work (regardless of financial necessity)? I'd say yes. For the past two years, I have been seemingly working to work. It's only when I started writing I stopped this. I felt I was starting to repeat it with this writing, which is why I've been more open to not writing every day. But I think I still have a strong need to be productive. When I tried to be social and do fun activities, I had an odd approach. Like there was an objective to it. I had to become good at it. I wasn't doing it to have fun but to better myself somehow. I have youth, health, freedom, and wealth, but I'm in a prison of my mind. I have worked to optimize my life a great deal. I can afford to throw away and waste a great deal. This is dangerous. I could be a drug addict with little consequences for a long time. Then again, something in me refuses to do things like that. But that could change.

Do I have excessive conscientiousness? I'd say so. It pains me when I fail to uphold my standards. The same goes for ethical and moral values. However, I've started to change slightly in this aspect, understanding it's all relative. However, I think it's absolute for social functioning. For me, there are no absolute morals. It's merely a concept that improves social functioning. It doesn't have to be more than that if one has sufficient intelligence to comprehend that. However, we're all affected by bounded rationality, and it can be challenging to compute the significance of morals for our survival in practice, so we must punish moral failures. Empathy is a spectrum and is flawed in itself. We must rely on enforcement by punishment. In my opinion, empathy is broken. Sure, I may not have a lot of feelings for anyone, but I still have a strong urge to do the right thing. I'm unsure if it's good to talk positively about oneself in this regard. I think it can be good as it helps one see where one fails and allows others to judge one better. Why should we not strive to be moral and accountable? Of course, this is complicated in practice. Cancers can become a moral authority in society. In general, I'd say we should be cautious about compromising the well-being of people for the greater good. It's nearly impossible to understand the implications this will have and the side effects that may hurt us more in the long term. 

Do I have a reluctance to delegate work? Yes, I'd say a strong reluctance. My trajectory would've been different if it wasn't for this. I was handling ridiculous amounts of stuff as a single person. It's actually quite absurd. It's why I had a ~95% profit margin running my Minecraft server. I was an idiot. Plain and simple. I didn't reinvest anything. I put it all into financial investments. They did well (thank you, fed), so it worked out anyway, I guess. Not really, because it broke the illusion of work and money. Well, maybe that's good for me long term if I can figure this out.

Am I miserable at spending money? Well, sort of, but I've changed. I view money less as the end and more as a means now. I don't mind spending money on my health. I do spend very little money, but I'd say that's because I'm not stupid. Maybe stupid is the wrong word, but I don't understand people's relationship to money. Merely looking at statistics, people seem to have no long-term thinking. Or maybe not everyone is a miserable fellow like you and wants to spend money on enjoyment in life. Okay, but have you heard of compound interest. But you need to make money first before investing. I think the strategy is to create a business and then invest. You know, make a business, simple... That may change in the future. Will capital continue to rule? About spending money, you can buy books and movies for little to nothing. You can walk for free. Travelling is overrated. Read some books. Unless you can actually get to live with locals, I find travelling to be pointless.

Am I rigid and stubborn? Not consciously, I'd say, but perhaps behaviorally? I'm not sure what this means, though. I'm unstobborn of my stubbornness. Yes. I know I'm acting irrationally, but I can't do anything about it. It's hard to go against what you feel is right, right? It's downright painful. But I'm generally practical and flexible. For example, I tend to avoid eating meat, but I don't mind eating it if it's offered. 

To be diagnosed with OCPD, you must fulfil four of the eight criteria I just discussed.

Okay, let's say I was diagnosed. What can we do about it? Psychodynamic psychotherapy. Cognitive-behavioral therapy. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. I'm not sure I'd want to mess with SSRIs. I'd have to forego taking stimulants. I'm not looking for ecstasy. I was thinking loving kindness practice could work instead, maybe.

Funny, I remember in school. In a parent meeting, the teachers told I was behaving too well. My issue was that I was causing too little trouble. Is this world insane, or am I insane? Well, we're just humans. I'm not taking any chances. 

Peers in school would jokingly call me an alien or a robot. On the siren test day in Denmark, the joke was that the alarm was because of aliens coming to return me to my home planet. Have you heard of the uncanny valley? I'd say I fit there. If it's so. What choice do I have? I'm pragmatic; that's why I'm surviving. If I don't have appropriate human qualities, I must offer something else. I must be of service, working. That's a logical explanation for why I may have OCPD tendencies. At boarding school, I would not spend much time with the rest. I was of service, though.

Perhaps because I can't socialize on a casual level, my way of socializing is of a more formal nature. I find social life necessary for our survival. Duh. But maybe I have to stop caring too much. It's dysfunctional. There is little formal structure to social life today, and I seem to be exhausted from it.

I was denied recognition of my differences. Would I have had a different outcome if so? One thing I'm cautious of with diagnosis is that you may impractically excuse poor behavior. On the other hand, I'm unsure what I've become due to not working realistically with what I have.

I lost something 2-3 years ago. I guess the delusion of who I was. Nothing matters to me anymore like it once did. Everything is strange. I don't feel like I can ever return. I must find another way. I have no one, not even myself. What am I? Can I trust myself? I never understood anything. It was always strange, really. One may get the wrong idea when I say I have no one. What I mean is what anyone says is largely meaningless to me. It simply brings a tiredness to me. Limitations. Misunderstandings. There is nothing but what is.

I don't know. Either I have misery or apathy in my life. I don't know what's real. Nothing is keeping me grounded. There's no sense of normalcy, and I don't trust anything I once knew. I guess it's tiring when it's a struggle to find something to be content with when you try to move away from a life of survival that you find evermore exhausting and fruitless. I'm staying practical. It'd be easier if I was just fighting for my immediate survival, but there's no sense in putting oneself in such a situation for its own cause; that'd be silly.